At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
