in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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