i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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