so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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