Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
