So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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