I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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