Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Randomize
