I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
