A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
