it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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