But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
