you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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