too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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