Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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