i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
