I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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