My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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