Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drake has all the answers
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
