You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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