Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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