i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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