Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
