I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
