I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
