I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
