she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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