dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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