Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
