Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
