take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just pee around me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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