the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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