On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
