You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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