So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
