Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
