drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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