Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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