remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there was a trapeze. enough said
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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