Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
