Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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