yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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