my vag is so smooth its legendary
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
