wakey wakey hands off snakey
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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