hotel room ftw
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i think i just lost a toe
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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