My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
