I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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