wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
