did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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