I cockslap morals
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
