It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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