My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
