Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
