He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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