Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
