I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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