Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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