Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i love accidental penises.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
