I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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