We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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